Getting back to normal

Yesterday it dawned on me, being happy is a lot less work than it use to be. Before my breakdown, before medicine, I was working hard every day to be happy. Maybe that’s why I changed my blog all that time ago… Happiness shouldn’t be work, but it was. I had to tell myself, “Michelle, look at this moment. This is what makes you happy. Be happy because of it.” Now happiness is natural. It is part of me, as happiness should be.

I’m also more forgiving to myself. My motto right now is ‘good enough’. I don’t have to be perfect, or even great. I just have to be good enough to be safe and healthy. I also accept the fact that sometimes I will not be able to sleep. I wake up most mornings at five a.m. now, but I accept that I can live a healthy life even if I am awake way before the sun comes up (I woke up at 3:30am this morning).

I’ve learned what I need to cope with times of stress and worry. I walk with Leigh many mornings. A brisk morning walk with someone who I can rant my worries and anger to, is a great way to settle myself to face the day. (Thankfully Leigh gets as much from the morning bitch-fest and walk as I do). I also now understand that my previous coping strategies work as well now as they did before I had a break down. I know its ok to use hobbies as a diversion from my worries. I had a bad day this week, and rather than allow myself to surrender to depression, I canned three batches for jam in two hours. It’s not normal, but it’s better than the alternative.

I’m learning that I am ok with having depression. I’m coming out of this experience stronger and more certain with the direction my life is taking. I am beginning to see the difference between being where I have to be in life and where I choose to be.

I’m not sure if depression is a phase for me, or if it will be a life-long battle. Either way, I think that I’ll be brave enough to get the help that I need to stay healthy.

Washington DC

Today I just have a lot of pictures from our trip to DC. We had fun, but it was a lot of walking for the kids. I can't wait for them to be a bit older so we can enjoy it more.

 

First time on the Metro



Logan and Jefferson

/My favorite memorial is the FDR one. The kids loved it too. Very interactive

Waving to Marine One, and maybe the president

Museum of Natural History

Vivian's request at the National Zoo was to see the flamingos.

We went out to dinner one night. I didn't have any pockets on my outfit so Logan said, "Mommy, I have pockets. I'll carry your phone for you."

Dustin explaining to Vivian that she cannot put her feet in the water because it is special memorial water and though other families put their feet in the water (gross) we DO NOT do that because its disrespectful. She didn't like or care about our explanation. So then we tell her there is goose poop in the water, which was an explanation she accepted.

The merry go round on the National Mall

The Campsite

We camped at Julian Price Park on the Blue Ridge Parkway a few miles outside of Blowing Rock, NC. The campground was so-so. The sites were pretty run down, and lacked privacy. We ended up in a site that was up a hill that was far from level, but had enough space in the woods for our tent. There was no hot water, electricity or showers, but flushing toilets and running water at the restrooms (yippee). We did typical camp things. The kids explored nature. Almost as soon as were arrived, Vivian broke off some branches and made them her 'nature pom-poms'. She then started cheering for nature. "Go nature, you can do it! Nature you're great!" Logan marked his territory like a doggie and proceeded to pee on every bush in our came site. If he didn't pee on it, he threw a rock at it.
On our second night, we learned the hard way that our rain tarp on the tent is not waterproof enough. It poured and our sleeping bags got soaked. Moments before I was ready to give up and go to a hotel for our last night, I discovered that the hot engine hood could dry our sleeping bags rather quickly. It saved the day. All I could think was, "Why has Top Gear not taught me this? The show has jokingly taught me to cook in the engine block, but not dry wet sleeping bags."

The camp dryer. Works best after driving up a mountain.

Playing Ponies, super heroes and monster trucks. Dustin's making a silly face because he was worried that I would embarrass him by posting video of him playing super silly with the kids.

Winner of Best Dressed Award: Footie Jammies with sandals



Bedtime story around the campfire.

Top of the world

I don't know how often I've mentioned this, but, my kids are great adventurers and hikers. We're up to 2 miles of hiking with kids and not carrying either kid. They whine very little, so long as they are fueled by a treat at the halfway point and when we are finished.
This trip our hikes were all about soaring views. We explored Linville Falls, Grandfather Mountain and Rough Ridge (right off the parkway).

View of Linville Falls. We also went to a viewpoint at the top of the falls.

After a mile of uphill hiking. Still happy.

I think the sign says it all.

Daddy encouraging future paratroopers...

By getting them to stand on the edge of an outcropping. "Toes off the edge, kids," he called.

The summit of Grandfather mountain.



Jumping on the swinging bridge. No one else wanted to come on the bridge with my wild hopping family.

At the summit, Dustin put Logan on his shoulders, then he jumped up and down, then he leaned over the edge with Logan. I actually yelled at him, "Stop that right now Dustin Cole, or I will vomit right here!!" To worry wort Michelle this is not a place to screw around with my kids. Thankfully Logan protested to Dustin's antics too.

See worry wort Michelle.

Lookout at Rough Ridge. We could see Charlotte from here, which is ohhh 3 hours South.

This is the type of trails we were on. Logan probably had the best workout out of four of us.

Don't want to come home

We are home from 3 nights of camping on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Within an hour of coming home I was wishing we were back in the mountains, roughing it. Back to the land of no cell service, no TV, no computer, no Facebook, no neighbor kids banging on the door, no cats meowing their accusations of abandonment at me, no laundry to wash....
I miss our damp tent, two burner stove, and four piece plastic place setting. I miss all of us wearing play clothes until they are brown with dirt, and marshmallow stickies. Most of all I miss that there is nothing to do but spend time with my little family and nothing is more important than this moment.

Camping home. We'll leave the light on for ya.

What I'm watching

Cooks Country & America's Test Kitchen (PBS)
Perhaps the best cooking show on TV. This show actually teaches you how to cook. Each episode I have a moment of  'My life has been changed!' Granted the change may just be to freeze extra tomato paste in ice cube trays in one tablespoon portions to use later (because really you never use the entire can). They are teaching me that there grilling and smoking with charcoal is not hard at all. Best of all is the awkward (like watching your aunt and uncle make out type of awkward) moment when Chris and Julia taste the food they cooked. They don't mean to sound sexy (oh, its so juicy. The flavor just explodes in my mouth. Oh. Ah. So creamy and rich.) Yes it is a boring PBS show, but if you give up, and just pay attention you'll be a better cook. Just give in to the fact that the Test Kitchen is right...bacon makes thing better, so does butter, pizza stones make better pizza crust, we all need a food processor, making from scratch doesn't have to take too long and it always tastes better.

Bunheads (ABC Family)
The first two episodes of this show made me cry like a girl. Bunheads is about women and girls for women and girls. I would never ask my husband to watch it. I won't put him through that. Its just a make me happy sort of show. I don't have to invest a lot into it, but I laugh. I cringe when the characters cringe. Oh and they talk really really fast.

Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes (DisneyXD)
I like super heroes. Again its just fun stuff. The Avengers cartoon on Disney (and on netflix) is something that we all can watch together. The kids love Hulk and Iron Man. I like that its a serial type story. I will probably go back to watch the first season.

I didn't even remember his name

If you have fifteen minutes to spare watch this video.



A while ago I listened to a podcast of This American Life. One man told a story of how he was living life with one non-function arm. His humor and honesty hit me. It made me thankful that Dustin's nerve damage was not as bad as it could have been. The images in the story struck close to my heard. I remember the first few weeks after Dustin was shot and watching him try and figure out how to do two handed tasks with essentially one hand. There are some moments/tasks that we all have too much pride to ask for help. Asking for help may mean that we aren't normal. Not well. Not complete.
Today I learned that the voice on my radio bringing me to tears with his description of how to grate cheese with one hand...well he died. His name was David Rakoff. He was an eternal pessimist. Often we mourn the passing of optimists. Today I mourn a man who with his dark whit and humor found an eternal place in my heart with his words that cut too close to home.