Getting back to normal

Yesterday it dawned on me, being happy is a lot less work than it use to be. Before my breakdown, before medicine, I was working hard every day to be happy. Maybe that’s why I changed my blog all that time ago… Happiness shouldn’t be work, but it was. I had to tell myself, “Michelle, look at this moment. This is what makes you happy. Be happy because of it.” Now happiness is natural. It is part of me, as happiness should be.

I’m also more forgiving to myself. My motto right now is ‘good enough’. I don’t have to be perfect, or even great. I just have to be good enough to be safe and healthy. I also accept the fact that sometimes I will not be able to sleep. I wake up most mornings at five a.m. now, but I accept that I can live a healthy life even if I am awake way before the sun comes up (I woke up at 3:30am this morning).

I’ve learned what I need to cope with times of stress and worry. I walk with Leigh many mornings. A brisk morning walk with someone who I can rant my worries and anger to, is a great way to settle myself to face the day. (Thankfully Leigh gets as much from the morning bitch-fest and walk as I do). I also now understand that my previous coping strategies work as well now as they did before I had a break down. I know its ok to use hobbies as a diversion from my worries. I had a bad day this week, and rather than allow myself to surrender to depression, I canned three batches for jam in two hours. It’s not normal, but it’s better than the alternative.

I’m learning that I am ok with having depression. I’m coming out of this experience stronger and more certain with the direction my life is taking. I am beginning to see the difference between being where I have to be in life and where I choose to be.

I’m not sure if depression is a phase for me, or if it will be a life-long battle. Either way, I think that I’ll be brave enough to get the help that I need to stay healthy.