The big question

I’ve learned that there is an unspoken question others feel the need to ask those with depression.

“Do you want to kill yourself?”

My answer is NO! No! I didn’t want to commit suicide at any point of this disease.

The tricky part about depression is that your thought process is so screwed up that though you have no desire to end your life, death is still on your mind. Thoughts and worries about death felt utterly unavoidable. They were both simple and complex. Death thoughts came in many variations.

“If I don’t pay closer attention when I drive, I could crash the car and kill both me and the kids. I must pay closer attention.”

“Follow the directions on my sleeping medicine with extreme vigilance so I don’t end up in a coma.”

“Can lack of sleep kill you?”

The worst moments were when I was faced with a situation that I just didn’t trust myself in. One day I was crying, and thought that maybe a hot bath would calm me down. A second later I sobbed and realized that I just don’t trust myself in a bathtub at that moment. I didn’t think that I would try and harm myself in the bathtub, but at that moment I felt so out of control of my mind that I didn’t know if I would make the worst choice of my life.

It was in that moment I understood how happy/healthy people commit suicide. When the mind is sick as as mine was at that point, I wasn’t able to make right or wrong choices. Depression made me feel completely detached from everything around me, even detached from myself. If I had tried to hurt myself, it wouldn’t have been a choice. It wouldn’t have been logical. It would have been beyond mine or your understanding because it was unfathomable. The sick part of me would have thought that putting my head under water and letting everything go was good.

It wouldn’t have been me, the Michelle you know. It would have been the sickness.

So…yeah…this is a deep discussion. I hate having to ask you to think about this. I hate showing such a dark part of me. But I need you to see that in the deep moments of depression, a person is walking a fine line. The mind is battling to remain sane. The world looks bleak and you feel  SO isolated. I felt numb, confused, exhausted, broken, worthless, afraid... all at once.

Here’s the kicker: Don’t make your first question to a depressed person about suicide. It’s insulting.  We don’t want to start off by showing you the deepest darkest part of our crazy. But…if you know someone who is depressed and the depression is getting worse…if you’re worried…if you love him…ask if he thinking about hurting themselves. Remind her that life is here waiting for her to get healthy again. Remind him that the world is wonderful and joyful and he is part of what makes it that way. Tell her that the negative thoughts in her head are not true. If she ever needs someone to be the voice of hope, love and strength when hers is lost…be that voice for her.